Whatever You Do, Don't Look Directly At It! Trust Me!
Another Penthouse Letter brought to you by
the Big La, Todd Kelley

Have you ever had one of those days that defied logic? Something that was so off the wall, and strange that you look back on it and STILL don't understand what the hell happened? I hate those days. They require too much brain power to process.

But of course, being that I'm 'Todd' and that my life is one big friggin' strange event, you know i have one strange tale to share with the masses.

So journey with me on this episode of "What The F*ck Just Happened, Todd?" entitled: The Train

It was Thursday evening, and I was taking the commuter train home. Regular day, nothing special. I had my headphones on, pumping my latest mp3 compilation CD to stay awake.

About three stations after mine, A goup of four girls got on the train. They had to be high-schoolers (couldn't guess ages, so i'll just say young). All dressed like they just jumped out of the Britney Spears video. All of them gorgeous. I looked up at them for about a couple seconds and then went back to my 'Res' magazine.

The very next stop, a 'Goth' chick gets on. And I mean she's decked out in the outfit (black clothes, white makeup, jet-black hair, the works....) She gets onboard and takes the seat directly behind mine.

Nothing wrong...

Dave Mathews "The Space Between" in the headset...

THEN...

Using my peripheral vision (cause i wasn't staring at the girls. Cause that would be wrong), I catch and hear the girl giggling and looking my way. But i couldn't tell if it was me or the Goth chic they were looking at.

Nothing wrong...

Next song... "Bodies" by Drowning Pool....

THEN...

One of the girls starts to walk our way and sits in the seat directly in front of me. Now, the way the seats were set up, I was in the front seat facing the middle door. There as another seat directly in front of me that faces inward, so the person who sits in that seat will be facing sideways, to my position... Anyway, the chick comes and sits in the seat... away from her friends...

So, I still got my head stuck in my magazine. The chick notices that i didn't make any movement to acknowledge her in the seat, so... she bends over, as if the tie her shoes. Now... understand that she had these 'hip hugger' pants on, so when she bends over, she's showing 'a little too much'. But of course I didn't see that, cause I'm reading my damn magazine (peripheral vision)!

My first thought. 'Poor kid. She doesn't know she's exposing herself.'

But unfortunately, she stays in this position for about a minute (i know because the ending interlude of Pete Rock is about a minute).

N-Nothing wrong...

Next song... "Hangin' On A Curtain" by Morphine...

So after a (uncomfortable) minute, she looks back had her friends (still in position), and then she sits back up and stresses her hands in the air... and sticks out her chest. And she's wearing one of the white haulter/half tops.

At that point, i'm getting pissed. Believe it or not, I had been a crappy day and i just wanted to go home and pass out.

But at that moment, the Goth chick leans forward and taps me on th shoulder. I take off my headphones and look back at her. "What's up?"

She does a head gesture toward the girl in front of me and says: "I think the adolescent hookers are trying to get your attention."

So, being the deadpan bastard that I am, I looked at the girl in front of me (who's still in stretch position) for a second, and then turned back to the Goth chick and said. "Oh, I know."

Then put my headphones back on and went back to my damn good magazine.

My music was turned up so i couldn't hear anything after that. But using my <insert finger quotes here> 'peripheral vision', I could see the girl yelling at the Goth chick, while heading back to her friends.

When the pack-o-girls got off at the 'Great America' stop, the Goth chick got up and sat the seat in front of me and said. "That was so cool! I was hoping you'd be hip to me setting up that 'adolescent hooker' line."

...What?

She turned out to be pretty cool. We talked about music and crap like that until she got off train.

I'm thinking it was some type of Psychology test the Goth chick was doing. The whole thing was too "Independent Film"-like. When I got off the train I started laughing and yelled: "What the f*ck just happened?", to the repulsion of a young woman and her three kids.

Go figure...

Anyways, That's my strange day. No moral behind it. Just thought it would be interesting.

What do you think? Reading this, do you think the Goth chick was in on it? Were the teeny-boppers just a**holes? What's up?

Hmmm...

Anyway, that's it for me.

NEXT WEEK: TODD GOES TO THE RECORD STORE...