Ask A Stupid Question.... You Know The Rest. A Candid, In depth Q&A Session With The Big La, by Todd Kelley

You know you're touching people when you get HATE MAIL! And it's cool to read how people misinterpret what you write. Words are powerful, but in the right structure, they can mean many different things.

The coolest thing is there are people who can't seem to comprehend that a large number of my rants are JOKES! This is basically a forum for me to blow off some steam. Sometimes I write about things that touch me. Most of the time I rant about nothing. But that's what rants are for, right?

Rant \Rant\, v. i. [imp. & p. p. Ranted; p. pr. & vb. n.
Ranting.] [OD. ranten, randen, to dote, to be enraged.]
To rave in violent, high-sounding, or extravagant language, without dignity of thought; to be noisy, boisterous, and bombastic in talk or declamation; as, a ranting preacher.

But there was some 'good' that came from the dozen 'rant-mails' I got: great fodder to list in this rant!

So in the interest of communicating with the few sicko's who actually send me email, I will answer their raw, unedited questions for the world to see.

But remember: ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer...

Why did you become a designer?:
During college someone walked up to me and said: "You know, you can make some money doing that?" And there you go..

So now you're making money?:
No.

Do you have a job?:
No. [profanity briefly followed..]

What's with your Janeane Garofalo thing?:
Have you seen her in Clay Pigeons? Yeah buddy!!

Why do you fear Freddy Prince, Jr.?:
He is the devil! If you take a third letter from every movie he's made in chronological order, it will spell the name of the beast! (And his name is: "Gorunatnenwyamo")

Are you a true Geek, or are you living a lie?:
The term is 'Socially Challenged', moron! Someone needs some Sensitivity Training.

You didn't answer...:
SHUT UP! Next question, please...

Why do you wear orange boots?:
They were 50% off.

Why do you shave your head bald?:
Cause that 'spray-on' hair didn't work. (3 payments of $19.99, my a$$)

Do you consider yourself a handsome man?:
My last date said that I was very 'non-hideous'. So I guess that would be a 'yes'.

Who would win in a battle between you and Superman™?:
Me. I got the reach advantage, plus my favorite lotion is made of kryptonite.

What about Mighty Mouse™?:
Again, the reach advantage is key...

What the hell is a Blah™?:
Blah™ is my bestest friend in the world. Sure, he's a sock-puppet. But I'm Black. Can't we all just get along?

Have you ever 'coined a phrase'?:
Yep! "Now with 20% more butter..." (Still haven't received my royalty check)

Si vous alliez au poulet frit par Kentucky, et vous aviez un morceausupplémentaire de poulet et d'un biscuit, donneriez-vous à un homme affamé?
Oui!

Do you watch Days Of Our Lives?:
Only when Stefano is on.

It's late in the fourth quarter. You're on your own 40, it's 3rd and 17, and you're short on time-outs. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?:
Well, first off, we'd have to exploit the safetys' to open up the sidelines. Judging that the defense is playing zone, I'd call a 'Tango Splitwide, Tight End Flat, Dibby-Dibby'. It should get us at least a first down, and stop the clock.

Damn...:
Yeah... I know...

If the world was about to end and you could do one last thing,
what would you do?:
Halle Berry

Turf or Grass?:
Still Halle Berry

Boxers or Briefs?:
Boxer-briefs

Gin and Juice?:
Doug's Famous Gin and Tonic (Yeah, Buddy!!!)

Chicken Strips?:
Doug's Famous Hot Wings (Once again: Yeah, Buddy!!!)

Porn or In Person?:
Like my pappy always said: "3-D is the key"
UPDATE: due to legal restraints, I must acknowledge that my pappy did not say that.

You didn't answer... :
SHUT UP! I'll take 'Schoolhouse Rock', for $500.

The answer is 'Three':
What is 'The magic number'?

CORRECT! Canoe, Can You?:
Yes!!! I mean... What's that?

What is your opinion of lesbians?:
I think they're pretty.

Not the ones in Hustler. I mean the..:
SILENCE!!! YOUR QUESTIONS BORE ME!!

OK Last question: I'm thinking of an object:
Bigger than a breadbox?

Yep.

Tony Danza!

CORRECT!!

Yeah, buddy!!