Are You There God? It's Me, the Big La, Part 4: Lost In The Garden
Between God and Evil Rapping with the Supreme Being, by Todd Kelley

Are you there, God? It's me, the Big La!!!

I haven't talked to you in a while! I hope everything's going well up there. Since your (fake) birthday is just a couple weeks away, I wanted to say 'Happy Born Day' and maybe bend your ear for a few paragraphs (You know, like we use to do? Old school!). This has been a tough year. I've been forced to take a step back and re-evaluated my life in many different areas (Faith, friendship, love, etc...). It's true that that older you get, the clearer things presented to you. I mean, when you're a teenager, the 'life and death' situations consist of 'how to get rid of that zit before Saturday', or 'if I don't get invited to this party....'. Nowadays, the 'life or death' situations are literally life and death.

Wait... I'm drifting again.

Let's get to the meat and potatoes, shall we?

Our Topic Today: Good, Evil and that Gray Area In The Middle

Recently, a friend of mine told me I was a bad person. She said this because she thought that, by my actions themselves, I wasn't a nice person. Now, keep in mind that most of the things she explained to me were in fact true. But I didn't do these things with malicious intent.

What constitutes a good person? Are virtuous souls graded by their deeds, or is it more of an 'integrity' thing?

Recent events have really made me sit back and re-evaluate myself and my current state of being.

I have to question your actions sometimes, God.

I've seen a lot of bad things happen to good people; things that I wouldn't wish in my worst enemy. This year in particular has been filled with death, sexual assaults, physical and verbal abuse... you name it, it's happened to someone I know. You understand that after my teen years, I devoted most of my time and effort to staying away from any and all situations that bring about 'drama'. But I realize that it's a flawed business model. As long as you have people that you care about, you're gonna be involved one way or the other. I'm guessing that's a small footnote in your Master Plan, right? The whole 'people need people' thing? Lovely.

Of course your first thoughts would have to be 'why' it is happening to them? Is it some form of karma? Is it because they were so irresponsible and wreckless in their youth, and now it's coming back to balance out? Maybe they aren't so good?

Then then I see something interesting happen.

You see these people knocked to the floor by these tragedies. You see them at their worse; stripped physically and emotionally. But after a while, you see these people stand back up, brush themselves off, and get back to living. And in these situations, these tragedies, you get to see who these people really are. The quiet and the meek show glimmers of their true strength. They show a resolve so incredible, it inspires you to weather whatever problems you're faced. These people, who were pitied , become these figures of inspiration. Not by sticking their chest out, or smiling in the face of bad times. They do it by just 'being'. They do it by surviving in an environment that screams at them to give up. These are the people that you aspire to be. These are the people who show you that tragedy fades; that better days are always on the horizon, if you just hold on through the dark times.

That's when I had a slight epiphany, God. Maybe there is no storage of Karma that you dole out to the wicked. Maybe there is no cosmic justice that averages out, during a person's lifetime. Maybe you allow these bad things to happen to these people, not because they are bad, but because they are... good. You allow them to weather these storms because are the strongest of us. They are the examples we need to follow.

But then I remembered something. And it's funny. Things like this have a way of reaffirming that you do exist. You can call it coincidence, or wishful thinking.

Maybe it's not about being good or bad.

I never understood faith before. I thought of it as a way to avoid difficult decisions. A way to place the blame on some invisible deity, if you don't get what you want.

I believe the 'God' can be found, not in scriptures and psalms, but in the human spirit.

So am I a good person? Honestly, I'd have to say 'no'. I've never been a good man, and probably never will be.

But that was never the point, is it? It's never been about 'who you are'. It's about 'who you want to be'. It's the need to be that better person. I look in the mirror, and sometimes is see what I use to be. That's a good thing. It's a 'point of reference'; a reminder that, that other person isn't gone.